Terrible Fantasy Advice: Week 4

If you’re looking for legitimate fantasy football guidance, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. All advice contained within this article is entirely satirical and should only be implemented for comedic purposes. I hold no responsibility for your fantasy team if you follow these suggestions, but I will respect you a hell of a lot more for it. This is Terrible Fantasy Advice.

Start ‘Em

• Alexander Mattison (RB): Even if Dalvin Cook is healthy, I think Mattison’s impressive performance in week 3 should win him the starting job from here on out.
• DeSean Jackson (WR): He’ll continue to be great as long as the referees don’t notice that he’s switched uniforms with Robert Woods.
• Ryan Succop (K): It’s the Tom Brady revenge game, folks. The Buccaneers are about to put up 100+ points out of pure spite.

Sit ‘Em

• Kyler Murray (QB): One of my best sources has informed me that Murray’s nephew’s birthday party is Sunday afternoon and he wouldn’t miss it for the world.
• Austin Ekeler (RB): I put him here entirely because I traded him away last week and want to make myself feel better about it.
• Derrick Henry (RB): With both A.J. Brown and Julio Jones expected to miss the game, the Jets will put all 11 defenders in the box. They still won’t be able to stop Henry, but it’s worth a shot.

Buy-Lows

• Mitchell Trubisky (QB): It’s only a matter of time before Trubisky takes starting duties away from Josh Allen, mark my words.
• Tyler Conklin (TE): Some would say that it’s not a good idea to buy a player after one successful week, but what if he does this for the rest of the season?

Sell-Highs

• Miles Sanders (RB): You would think that two total carries is a low point, but just wait until this week when he ends up with zero.
• Lamar Jackson (QB): Now that the Ravens know Justin Tucker is capable of 66 yard field goals, they won’t even try to score touchdowns.

Waivers

• Darren Waller (TE): Hack into your leaguemate’s fantasy account, drop Waller, and then pick him up from waivers with your own account. Simple as that.
• Josh Gordon (WR): The king of fantasy football is back! Every team is required to put in a waiver claim, no exceptions.
• Cincinnati Bengals (D/ST): There’s no way the Bengals disappoint in a primetime showdown, it’s just not in their nature.

Tip of the Week

Other fantasy football managers can’t properly gameplan for your matchup if you continuously change your team name. On some platforms you can take it even further, and change player nicknames! Just imagine your opponent’s confusion trying to figure out who Baquon Sarkley is.

Nick Pellegrini