If you’re looking for legitimate fantasy football guidance, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. All advice contained within this article is entirely satirical and should only be implemented for comedic purposes. I hold no responsibility for your fantasy team if you follow these suggestions, but I will respect you a hell of a lot more for it. This is Terrible Fantasy Advice.
Start ‘Em
- Mac Jones (QB): I can’t believe it took me this long to realize, but Mac’s real name is actually Michael. And it’s common knowledge that all Michaels are good at football.
- Derrick Henry (QB): Just one TD pass against the weak Chiefs defense may seem bad at first, but just wait until you find out that he also plays running back.
- Matthew Wright (K): If Wright continues his current pace from weeks 5 and 6, he’ll drop 30+ points this weekend. The math doesn’t lie.
Sit ‘Em
- Patrick Mahomes (QB): I’ve been suggesting the Chiefs downfall was imminent all year and it seems my shouts into the void have finally worked. All Chiefs are auto-sits from now on.
- Cincinnati Bengals (D/ST): Listen to yourself, do you really want to rely on the Bengals to save your season?
- Chris Blewitt (K): I’m not a superstitious man, but having a kicker with the last name “Blew-it” is probably a bad idea.
Buy-Lows
- C.J. Uzomah (TE): TE3 over the last four weeks. I’d trade Kelce and a low-end WR2 for him in a heartbeat.
- Ty’Son Williams (RB): The Ravens will use their bye to finally realize that Williams should’ve been their lead back all along.
Sell-Highs
- Kyle Pitts (TE): If you think about it long enough, you can probably convince yourself that it’s all downhill from here.
- Mike Evans (WR): Brady seems like the kind of guy that would hold a grudge against someone for almost giving away his 600th TD ball.
Waivers
- David Johnson (RB): Now that Mark Ingram has been traded, Johnson will be able return to full 2017 form. Maybe that Hopkins trade wasn’t so bad after all.
- Josh Gordon (WR): This is less of a weekly recommendation and more of a standing order. It’s bad karma to leave Gordon on the waiver wire for more than a few days.
- Tua Tagovailoa (QB): Sure, his first half will be awful. But once the Bills are up 49-0 in the 3rd quarter and rest their starters, Tua will be fantastic.
Tip of the Week
If you’re looking for a classic mindgame tactic, you can’t go wrong with having your opponent make one sit/start decision for you. Not only will they spend valuable time thinking about something that has nothing to do with their own team, but fantasy football is 90% luck anyways. Plus their choice will inevitably win you a matchup, and I can think of nothing more demoralizing.
